The sun rose and was
round like an egg-yolk. An homage to sunny-side-up eggs. I dipped my toast in
the rich yolk and sipped my coffee. Graycen didn’t have proof. Proof was always
needed on the side of “the good”. He tracked me but didn’t record me. Jayden
was unharmed. The cops couldn’t do anything to me. I glanced at the clock. It
was noon and Ella was still asleep. After last night, Graycen yelled. I had
never heard him yell. He always had a quiet anger. The kind that seems
righteous and sturdy. He exploded. Tension stuffed the air. I calmy put my
dishes away. This annoyed him further.
“I want you out of the
house,” Graycen said.
“What?”
“You heard me. Get
out.”
“I built this house.
You are here because of me. If you don’t want me in your life, then leave,” I
said.
“No. I don’t want you
in Ella’s life.”
That couldn’t be true.
I had Graycen here to protect Ella. He was family. He would never tell me to
leave. I trusted Graycen and he should trust me. But he didn’t? What kind of
family doesn’t trust each other? Graycen tracked me. He probably bugged the
house too. For all I know, Earl and Graycen had been tracking my movements from
the start. Maybe he was waiting to get enough proof and then he would send me
to jail.
“I deserve to be in
Ella’s life. I’m her father,” I said.
“No. Hersch Waters was
her father and did he deserve to be in her life? I’m the one that’s raised her.
I’m the one that’s actually been there for her. You’ve done nothing to help.
You make everything worse. You come home drunk at late hours. You take your
anger out on Jayden. You tried to sell him to a gang!”
“Jayden wants to take Ella
away. Ella is going to leave and never come back,” I said.
“So what?” Graycen
said.
“So, I can’t deal with
that. She is my everything. I want to keep her. I don’t want her to become
jaded and cynical,” I said.
“Daniel, be
reasonable. She is an adult,” Graycen said.
“I know she is,” I
huffed.
“Then what’s bothering
you?” he asked gently.
“You’re right. She
doesn’t fill the void in me. Nothing has. And if she can’t, then who am I? What
am I? What should I do?”
Most people take pride in something; hobbies,
work, raising kids, passion projects, traveling, going to the soup kitchen, or
even just mundane life was exciting to them. They enjoy existing. I wanted all
of existence to burn. I wanted the void within me to consume everything. I felt
like my body didn’t belong to me. I lived outside myself and saw the world as
if it was a hoax. My body floated away from me. I observed time as organized
chaos.
“You can visit Ella. I
just don’t want you living in this house. You are controlling, manipulative,
attention-seeking, impulsive, and just an all-around piece of shit,” Graycen
said.
“You can’t speak to me
that way.”
“I’m her father,
Daniel. And my decision is final. Get out before I throw you out.”
Graycen had betrayed
me. Anger lit my vision. “You stole Ella from me. You have manipulated her
against me.”
“She isn’t yours,
Daniel.”
“Like hell she isn’t.
I thought Jayden was the threat. But the whole time, it has been you. You
conspired with mom to take her from me. You’ve never been on my side,” I
seethed.
“You are acting
unstable.”
Unstable. The word
pierced my skull and reverberated in my ears. Was that what I was? My anger. My
thoughts. My fears. My love. My emotions were unstable. My mother was the
dangerous, volatile one. Dad had predictable rage. I was the normal one
compared to them. I was always kind to kids; I never touched or beat them up. I
was always kind to people like Chantel who were vulnerable. I never took
advantage of women. I never stalked or hurt anyone. True, I killed bad people
like Ricky but they deserved it. Graycen had been there. Graycen had been with
me through drunken rages, fights, and racing street cars. Graycen, my best
friend, thought I was unstable.
I heard Graycen shout
after me as I ran. Were those tears running down my face? My friend betrayed
me. I ran as if I was twenty and jumping chain-link fences. I hid in an alley
until the sun started to sink lower in the sky. I heard the familiar sound of
cop cars searching for me. The sirens blared past. I stepped out of the narrow
alley to the sound of a car door shutting. I look up and saw Graycen, Ella and
Jayden stepping out of a cop car. They had cornered me. I wanted to disappear.
“I was so worried,”
Ella said. Her voice contained a watery timbre that made me want to cry. She
enveloped me in a warm hug. My Ella. So sweet and caring.
“I’m glad you’re
alright,” Jayden said. There was no malice in his voice.
I lunged for him but
something stopped me. Fire-ants crawled inside my skin. Hot, tingling pain reverberated
through me.
Ella.