Graycen started
tolerating less. He would constantly remind me to be polite or not say what I
was thinking. We met a couple at an ice-cream parlor and they were one of those
over-sharers. They kept talking about their family issues and it got on my
nerves.
“I had a hard
childhood,” I snapped.
“So what? That doesn’t
excuse the way you are acting. You can’t just take off from a conversation like
that. And you certainly can’t say shit like that.”
“I
don’t know them and I don’t care about them,” I said.
“Yes
but –“
“Sorry,
I didn’t have a perfect childhood like you. Sorry, I didn’t grow up with an
amazing cop dad.”
“Don’t
be smart-ass. You know full well that my childhood wasn’t perfect.”
“Well
compared to mine it was,” I said.
Graycen
snorted. “Get off your high self-loathing horse. It’s stupid to expect your
parents to provide you with a ‘perfect’ childhood. They do the best they can.”
“No,
they don’t. Some people should not be parents.”
“You’re
right about that,” Graycen said.
For
a little bit, we were stable. The sting of words was soothed by the fact that
we both agreed. We slowly started agreeing on things again. Small things like
where the chocolate milk should go in the fridge and what to eat for dinner. Jayden
was slightly less irritating. He was growing on me like a distorted fungus.
Again, Graycen told me
to focus on other things. Nothing helped. I couldn’t explain it. Life was
devoid of meaning as if I was seeing myself outside my body, a blurry cacophony
of grey. I wasn’t needed. I felt like a wire in my brain had been cut. Time
passed in a haze of neon signs, cigarette clouds, and train whistles.
“Were you looking at
the trains, again?” Ella asked.
“Yeah.”
“You were gone
awhile.”
“I needed to get out
of my head. To think”
“Funny.”
Ella had slowly
stopped talking to me. Conversations were cut short in the way people avoid
open, unspoken problems. Tension would rise and drain away like water in a
blocked sink. No point in voicing something two people both knew to be true.
Voicing the problem gives it power. She got angry whenever I came home. I spent
a lot of time with Graycen and being a handyman. I upgraded the whole house. I
fixed myself by fixing machines. I added speakers to the T.V. and fluorescent
lighting and an alarm for the house. I did the wiring myself. I spent some time
at the bar. Graycen would have one drink and go home but I stayed for the
company and the energy. The pulsating crush of bodies wanting to forget their
dismal lives was heady and glorious. People can easily get addicted to misery.
Jayden was sitting in
the living room. I skirted past him into the kitchen. I watched as Ella cuddled
next to him. The cicadas droned and the incessant buzzing rang in my ears long
after the sun had set. Graycen and I baked cookies. The comforting smell of
chocolate chip cookies wafted from the oven and filled the house with a
pleasant atmosphere. Strange, how a scent can change perception and mood.
I scarfed down two
crispy cookies and laughed as Ella watched a movie. But I laughed when the man
got beheaded and Graycen told me that wasn’t appropriate. It was supposed to be
an intense documentary but it was like a comedy to me. Graycen was always
telling me that my reactions weren’t “correct”. I didn’t know what that meant.
I felt sad when people cried. True, I wanted to punch crying people sometimes
but that was normal. Anger was normal emotion. I was angry at everyone;
Graycen, dad, mom, but especially myself. I was a coward. I should’ve killed
Jayden. I should’ve finished the job.
That night, I cried
over guilt I shouldn’t have been feeling. Graycen whispered to me that I liked
the idea of an innocent Ella. I never actually liked who she truly was.
She was not a naïve girl but I refused to see that. He told me I was angry at
Jayden for taking Ella away but I was unable to name the emotion myself. How
could Graycen tell me what my feelings were? He was a
goody-two-shoes-know-it-all.
I went to the local
gang in town; The White Cobras. They weren’t as elite as before and they were
full of new people. Young eyes stared at me as I walked in. Dominic was a
cousin of a cousin of Ricky. He knew the full story. He gave me a strong
handshake and clapped my shoulder as if we were old friends.
“Daniel, welcome. What
can we do for you?” he asked.
I was surprised. But I
supposed it made sense for the new gang leader to cater to me. After all, I
took out the old one. I was the reason Dominic was leader in the first place.
“How well do you know
Jayden Shaw?” I asked.
“No idea but I’m happy
to find out,” Dominic said.
“How would you like a
new member to your team? Induct Jayden and I’ll give you ten-thousand,” I said.
Dominic looked
constipated. “Will I need to pay you back?”
I shook my head. I
hated antiquated blood laws. “No. Instead you will owe me favors when I ask.”
He laughed and clasped
my shoulder. “As long as the favors aren’t too big. I’ll do it.”
The next day I took
Jayden out for a ride and dropped him off. He was furious. Livid. A wild sheen
overtook his eyes. A mix of fear and desperation. Joining a gang would ruin his
prospects of a good life.
“Pay me ten-thousand
dollars and you can be free,” Dominic offered.
“I can’t,” Jayden
said.
“So will you join?”
Dominic asked.
Jayden begged me to
take him home. I liked the fear in his eyes. I ran my tongue over my teeth. He
was crying. It was funny. He was like an animal in a cage. I was curious to see
what he would do. The kid was smart.
“I’ll do anything you
want. Just don’t leave me here,” he said.
I looked around the
gang’s headquarters. A small concrete building with a few rooms. Weapons lying
everywhere, so it looked a bit comical, like we were in a movie. Sometimes I
felt like guns weren’t real. They were an abstract concept. I fingered the taser
attached to my waistband.
“Jayden, you will grow
into a strong man here. No one will harm you. You are here to work,” I said.
“No.” He curled into a
ball and wept like we were going to vaporize him. I nodded at Dominic and left.
When I returned home
without him, Ella demanded to know where he was. I told her he had went for
walk to clear his head and never returned.
Graycen pulled me aside. “I know what you
did,” he whispered.
“You don’t know
anything.”
“I tracked you. I had
you followed.”
My heart thumped in my
ears. Blood rushed into my brain making the floor spin. Did Graycen not trust
me?
A knock sounded at the
door.
The bastard was there.
Unharmed.
Ella wrapped her arms
around him like she was a plant and he was the sun. She sobbed into his
shoulder. He stroked her hair.
“I’m alright. I went
for a walk and got robbed. The man knocked me out. I’m so sorry,” Jayden said.
As he comforted Ella, he glared at me.
I think I made an
enemy.