Graycen thought it was
bad that I idealized Ella. She was just a girl, not a goddess. It wasn’t Ella’s
job to make me happy. Ella was her own person. The same way mom and dad are
their own people. They have their own lives, dreams, wishes and they make
mistakes. I told Graycen I wasn’t putting any pressure on Ella. I told him I
understood. That’s why three weeks later when Ella wanted to go to mom’s
funeral, I let her.
I watched from the car
as she held her yellow umbrella above her head. She grabbed a fistful of soil
and sprinkled it over the coffin as they lowered it into the ground. There
weren’t that many people. To my surprise, I spotted dad.
I got out of the car
and put my hand on his shoulder.
“Dad, what are you
doing here?” I asked.
Dad turned around. His
long brown overcoat was turning dark from the rain. I stepped closer to him and
shielded him with my umbrella. He sighed and I could practically taste the
whiskey. His eyes had that undercurrent of red all drunks seemed to have but
the sheen in his eyes was from crying. Why would dad cry over mom? He hated
her.
“I loved her at one
point. I mean we had you. Believe it or not, there was a short amount of time
when we were a real family,” he said.
Were we ever a family?
I supposed what he said had a modicum of truth to it. Maybe for a few years we
were happy, but people changed and what we had broke down. Those few happy
years were what mattered. Everything else was an unfortunate byproduct of life
and circumstance.
“How are you holding up?” he asked.
I was so shocked I
didn’t know what to say. How did I tell him that I was glad?
“Never mind, I can see
it on your face,” dad said.
“Dad, she used up all your
money. She never worked. She spent her days cleaning up after you or getting
high off of pills. She was a complete nut job,” I said.
“I don’t care. I still
loved her,” dad said.
“You beat the living
shit out of her.”
“I loved her.”
His eyes started to
water and he turned away. Tears mixed with rain until I was sure I’d start
crying too. This was stupid. I shouldn’t cry. The rain was icy and the sky
bleak. A warm hand enveloped my own. A beacon in the dark.
“It’s okay Daniel,”
Ella said.
I sank to my knees as
Ella held the umbrella over me.