Mom had lied to me.
She had wanted to get close to me but ended up hurting me. If she wanted to
spend time with me, she should have just said so. Instead, she played the
cancer card. She lied to me because she knew I hated her. It didn’t matter how
much she loved me; it wouldn’t fix our problems. You can harm the ones you
love. Not in the “I like to cause you pain” way, but in the subliminal way. No
matter how much you try to avoid causing them harm, you will. To love someone
or to be loved is to cause pain; emotional, physical, and mental pain. Because
that’s what love is; it’s a form of great suffering. No matter how hard you try
to avoid causing your loved one agony, you will. It is inevitable as the
sunset’s brilliance. I knew this. This is why I pushed everyone away from me.
This is why I broke things off with Graycen all those years ago. Relationships
were burdensome.
Growing up, I think I
had a fear of abandonment. I was always lied to and it translated into my
relationships and jobs. Maybe the person you were with was lying to you this
whole time. The affirmation of love slowly decreased until there was nothing
but ash. A sense of desperation so intense that you will mold yourself into
whatever they want. You only want them to be happy. You don’t want them to
leave you because that small scrap of love that they throw your way is all you
are going to get. You fear that no one will ever love you again. In a way,
that’s true. The person who was so cruel to you now, once knew you so
intimately. They knew your deepest fears and most shameful secrets. They knew
the thoughts that ran through your mind at four in the morning. They knew how
to comfort you and that’s the reason they knew how to break you. You would do
anything to keep the cage because a gilded cage is better than an iron one.
I understood why
Chantel didn’t leave Hersch. I understood why I was so attached to Ella. Ella’s
light was addicting. She offered peace and hope and truth. Chantel was so
strong even though she was plagued by nightmares and depression. Ella was there
through it all. I simultaneously wanted her validation and didn’t want it. I
was my own person but I loved Ella. I was so confused. In a way, I was playing
pretend. If she knew the real me, she would leave me. If she knew all the
things I had done, she would turn me in to the police. Graycen would just be
disappointed in me. He knew the real me. He accepted the real me but sometimes
he didn’t approve of my actions. Killing Ricky wasn’t a shining moment in the
history of our friendship. I trusted Graycen. I could only hope that he trusted
me.
It was so utterly
terrifying. You show your most vulnerable parts to someone, you trust someone,
and they can betray you. A freight train can go through that trust and it will
never be returned. You will be forever harmed. Letting yourself be vulnerable like
that is so completely terrifying that I didn’t want to fall in love. The light
touch of fingers on your neck can suddenly hook around your throat and squeeze.
The powerful arms that keep you safe can pin you down. The person you love can
transform into a monster and there’s nothing you can do about it but hope that
it does not happen. Or worse, they could turn into an apathetic creature. The
day they stop loving you. I supposed it isn’t really a specific day. The love
leaks away slowly like air out of tire. You only notice when it’s gone, you
never notice it leaving.
Would Graycen leave
me? Would he slowly fade out of my life or would it be sudden? If Ella left, I
think I would be okay. If Graycen left, that would break me and he knew it. What
I was about to do would test our relationship to the maximum. Would he stand by
me? Would Ella and Chantel? I watched the trains. They comforted me. My
cigarette smoke trailed in the wind and the sparks landed on the concrete.
I confronted mom. I
asked her to give me the cancer reports. After an hour, she broke down in
hysterics. She started crying and raging that she wanted to spend time with me
by any means possible.
“How could you say
something like that?” I asked.
Ella peeked her head
out from around the corner. Mom grabbed her upper arm and dragged her into the
middle of the room.
“Do you see what he’s
doing Ella?” mom yelled. Ella flinched and lightning raced through me.
“Don’t drag her into
this! You lied to me!”
“I did it because I
love you! Don’t I love him, Ella? Tell him!”
“That’s enough!”
Chantel screamed. She marched into the living room and slapped my mom. The
silence echoed. Mom cupped her cheek. It was turning red.
“I want you out of my
house.”
Tears streamed down
mom’s face. I didn’t have an ounce of compassion for her. She deserved the pain
she was feeling. It didn’t matter what her “good” intentions were, she paved
the path to her own hell.
“I can’t believe my
own son would treat me this way,” she choked out.
“What do you mean? You
know exactly why I’m treating you this way. You lied about having cancer. You
want to manipulate me and take control of my life,” I said.
“Get out,” Ella said.
We all stopped and
stared at her. Ella’s face was set in resolve and her gaze was locked on mom. I
could hear mom swallow. She reached a shaking hand out towards Ella.
“You poor, sweet,
innocent thing. They are trying to take you away from me,” mom said.
This time I slapped
mom. Blood streamed from the corner of her mouth.
“Ella isn’t yours,” I
hissed. I was so angry. It was taking all of my self-control not to pound her
into the ground. This was what I was afraid of. Mom wanted to take Ella away
from me. Mom always needed massive amounts of attention. She was jealous of me
giving all my attention to Ella. She blamed Ella as the reason I barely called
her. The truth was I wanted to stay as far away as possible from mom. Her
mental problems were too much. She was in and out of the asylum and she had
never taken medication. Growing up with her was hell. Mom couldn’t face the
fact that she fucked up by leaving and that she was a fucked-up person. It was the
same reason dad would never quit drinking. It meant owning up to your mistakes
and admitting you had a problem. Mom was an indescribable problem.
“She’s not yours
either. She’s the daughter of Hersh Waters and this slut,” mom said, gesturing
to Chantel.
“Don’t you dare talk
about Daniel or my mom like that!” Ella said. The fury in her voice made me
inspired. She was defending me. I was worthy of her anger.
“Grow up little girl.
Your parents are pathetic people who have made terrible life decisions. I mean,
for God’s sake, they had you,” mom grinned manically.
Tears pooled in Ella’s
eyes. That was it. I grabbed mom’s upper arm and dragged her outside. Ella and
Chantel shadowed the doorway. The night was cool and the grass was wet. I’m
sure if I looked up stars would’ve decorated the sky like gems, but I only had
eyes for the woman who birthed me.
“If I ever see you
around her again, I will kill you. I’m going to have Graycen put a
restraining order on you. You are never to get near my family again,” I said.
“So, these people are
your family? They aren’t even related by blood. I’m your family. I’m your
mother,” she said.
“No, you’re not. You
are a miserable, psychopathic lunatic. I wish you weren’t my mother. I never
want to see you again.”
She ran and grabbed my
shirt in desperate fistfuls. I shook her off and she fell to the ground.
“I hope you really do
get cancer. I won’t be coming to your funeral.”
I shut the door behind
me. I had finally done it. I faced my mother and I had survived. She wouldn’t
bother me or Ella anymore. I dimly wondered if I could face dad. I didn’t
realize I had the courage to face mom. It was all because of Ella. She gave me
the strength I needed.