I decided to eat
dinner at dad’s place. Just me and him. No Graycen or Ella or dad’s buddies. I
let myself in the house and sat down at the table.
“Hey dad,”
“Hey Daniel,”
I looked at the plate.
Steak and potatoes. Dad’s favorite. In my opinion, it was a basic meal. I
preferred Italian food. The finer ingredients of dried chili and parsley
combined with truffles and squid ink pasta was genius. There were so many
combinations and all of them tasted good. I shoveled the dry potatoes in my
mouth and hated my life.
“How’s Ella?”
“She’s good. She is
taking art classes and enjoying spending time with mom,” I said.
Dad’s lips set in a
grim line and his forehead crinkled. “I heard.”
“What’s wrong?” I
asked.
“I don’t like your mom
spending time with Ella,” he said.
“I don’t either. I’ve
talked to her multiple times but you know how she is,” I said. I speared the
steak with my fork. This plate needed vegetables.
“Should we do
something about it?” dad asked.
My heart sped up. I
could feel my chest heaving as if I had vaulted a fence. I wanted mom gone more
than anything. Ella would stop being annoyed at me and Graycen’s self-righteous
ass would finally shut up about the importance of family.
“But mom is already
dying. Why not just wait it out?” I asked.
Dad shrugged and slowly
drank his wine. “You’re itching to do something. I can see it.”
I breathed a sigh of
relief. Maybe dad would send me on one of his “missions”. When I was younger,
he would frequently give me dangerous tasks. I would rob the liquor store or
beat up a gang member or bribe the cops for him. I would play poker and smoke
cigarettes in some crappy basement and bring back the winnings. It was fun. Ella
would hate it. Ella would hate to see me like this. Ella was my conscience. But
dad was always supportive of me in his weird, messed up way. I wanted to leave
him but couldn’t. I think I actually liked the way he treated me. It was
familiar. I was used it. I hated domesticity. I hated having a child. I loved
Ella but I hated taking care of her. I hated molding her into a good person. I
sometimes wondered what would happen if I gave her alcohol and cigarettes and
trained her. I wondered if she would become like me. But I wanted Ella to have
the life I never had. A safe life.
“I thought about
slipping pills into her tea,” I admitted.
The surprise on dad’s
face was so funny.
“Why didn’t you?” he
asked.
“Ella would be sad,” I
said.
I could see dad come
to an understanding. He sipped his wine and chewed on his steak.
“Ella is just a
teenager. She doesn’t know right from wrong and she doesn’t control you. You
control her. You are older and must guide her. I’ve always guided you, right?”
There was a beat of
silence. “Right.”
Dad dabbed his mouth
and folded his napkin. “Look Daniel, you are her father now. You need to make
some tough decisions and that means doing things your child will not like. They
don’t know what’s best for them.”
“I just don’t see the
point of killing her when she’s already dying. She’s in such a state.”
“She’s lying to you,
son.”
“What?”
Dad leaned forward and
lowered his voice. “Have you seen any cancer reports? Any tests?”
I shook my head no.
The thought that she was lying had crossed my mind.
“This is another one
of her episodes. I checked at the hospital,” dad said. He got up and went to
the kitchen drawer. He rummaged around before tossing papers at me. On the
front page it had mom’s name and birthday. They had run a battery of tests a
few weeks ago. Stamped in big red letters at the bottom of the page was the
word: negative. Everything was negative. Every mole, discoloration, lump,
fluid, and hair had been tested and there was absolutely no sign of cancer. She
was perfectly healthy. Maybe I imagined her frailness. I believed her story so
strongly that I saw what I wanted to see. I had deluded myself. I think deep
down I wanted to repair my relationship with her. But this utterly destroyed
any shred of hope I had for us.
Dad put his hand on my
shoulder. “I was shocked when she reached out to me. I decided to double-check
and I went to the hospital and asked for her records. I cross referenced them
with her psychological records. She’s completely lost her marbles. She’s a
danger to everyone, Daniel. Remember the time she was convinced the mailman was
in love with her? Or when she became obsessed with wearing only red shoes? Or
that time she manipulated your teachers into thinking you were a druggie? She might
do the same to Ella. She’ll get close and guilt trip her and claim to be a
victim. I mean, there’s a reason we separated.”
Electricity charged
through me. “You guys didn’t separate. She abandoned us.”
“Right, sorry. It’s
just hard seeing your mom like this. I think she should go to the mental
asylum. It would really help her,” dad said.
“She’ll just leave
again,” I said.
Dad sighed. In that
moment, I noticed his age. His hair was starting to gray or he had stopped
coloring it. His skin had spots on it and his stomach was showing. When had dad
gotten old?
“Ella cannot be your
conscience,” he said.
“What do you mean?”
“Ella is controlling
you. You are too worried about what will happen if she hates you. But so what
if she does? From what you’ve told me, you don’t want her to be disappointed in
you. But at the end of the day Daniel, she is just a child. You are looking for
her approval, just like you look for mine and mom’s.”
Was he right? Did I
just constantly need validation? Would I take validation from anyone like a
dog?
“You need validation
from yourself. I’ve always taught you the right things. You know what to do and
I trust you,” dad said.
He was right.