I woke up at dad’s
house. I didn’t want to see Graycen’s stupidly smug face. I didn’t want to
crawl back to him. I looked at the digital clock. It was Thursday. Ella would
be at Jayden’s today. Dad had put two aspirin on the counter and kept the
blinds shut. I was so glad.
My head ached and I nibbled
on dry toast. His cooking still sucked. I made myself perfect eggs. Not too
runny and not dry. The art of eggs was something I had mastered in college. The
secret was the type of oil. As I ate, dad dropped by with coffee and donuts.
“Here,” he threw down
pamphlets of martial arts places.
“What’s this?” I
asked.
“Become a teacher. You
said you were looking for something to do, right?”
Weeks later, I did as
he suggested and became a teacher. Ella and Graycen thought it would be good
for me. They encouraged me. I had my life back. I popped beers after teaching.
It was exhausting. I needed to relax. Ella became more and more angry with me.
“Are you hormonal?” I
joked.
Graycen sighed.
“Go to hell,” Ella
snapped.
She was going to start
college. My baby was growing up. She was becoming a fine young woman. She
didn’t need me anymore. The days blurred in a mix of fists, cigarettes, and
shouting. The martial academy flourished under my leadership. I had a
community. I trained those kids like they were going into battle. I trained the
adults like they were going to join a gang. I loved the ferocity. I would come
home every night and have a drink and a good time.
After a while, the
doctor told me I should stop. I was going to get diabetes. Everything felt like
shit. I grabbed more drinks. One drink a night turned into two drinks on the
weekends. It turned into two a night. Then three on the weekends. Two a night.
Three on the weekends. Three a night. Three a night. Three a night. Maybe a few
more on the weekends. There was nothing wrong with that, right? It helped take
my mind off of things. I was stressed. I needed to relax. I wanted to have fun.
I wanted Ella to love me again. The more I drank, the more she yelled. The more
she yelled, the more I drank. It became a familiar cycle.
“I have to drive
around at night looking for you. Sometimes you don’t come home till 3 a.m.”
Ella said.
“I didn’t ask you to
do that,” I said.
“You don’t hang out
with me anymore. You just drink,” Ella said.
“That’s a lie. I
totally hang out with you,” I said. What was she talking about?
“No, we go out for a
few hours and you just gravitate towards the bar. I was telling you about me
and Jayden. He wants to be a doctor,” Ella said.
“And what do you want
to be?” I asked.
Ella groaned. “I told
you two days ago.” She tapped her foot.
“Well?”
“I want to be an art
therapist or maybe get a business degree.”
“That’s good,” I said.
I was proud of her. Graycen and I raised her well.
“I literally told you
two days ago. We got cheeseburgers,” Ella said.
I nodded. “Yeah.” The
cheeseburgers were good. Perfectly juicy.
“Do you remember
anything else?” she asked.
“Yeah, you were
showing me pictures of your paintings on your phone,” I said.
“No, I was showing you
pictures of Jayden, Daniel,” Ella said. She sounded like she wanted to cry.
I went to my room. I
didn’t understand what went wrong. I heard Graycen come in. The rustle of
groceries as he put them down on the table. I peeked through the crack in the
door as if I was a child trying to spy Santa.
Ella had tears in her eyes. Graycen sat on the couch next to her.
“You are not
responsible for how other people live their lives. What he does is his choice,”
Graycen said.
“He doesn’t see what
he is doing to himself. He doesn’t care about how it affects us.”
“You are not morally
obligated to take care of draining, miserable people. You only have to take of
yourself. He is a grown man. Trust me, deep down, he knows what he is doing,”
Graycen said.
What were they talking
about? I was fine. I knew what I was doing. I was not an alcoholic. My memory
was fine. My personality doesn’t change when I drink. I was not my father. I
had my job. I taught martial arts. I was a pillar of the community. People
loved me. Ella loved me. Graycen loved me.
Deep down, in my heart
of hearts, I almost didn’t care if they loved me or not.